I’ve heard a lot of things being said about growing older; you get wiser, little things don’t upset you anymore, you enjoy life, you thought your 30’s are fun? Wait until you turn 40! To me it seemed like there would be a magical point where you would wake up one day and realize silly things don’t matter anymore, but that’s not how it went for me.
Am I old enough to be talking about “growing up” when I’m in my mid-thirties? Some (older) people will laugh at me, there is so much more yet to come. I don’t even feel like a “grown up” yet! But this is where semantics matter, does age decide who is a grown up? The behaviour? The experiences? It really is a different definition to everyone, and to me none of those matter.
For me growing up means growing as a person, and this can happen anytime in your life. What do you learn from your experiences? The situation itself doesn’t matter, what did you learn from it? Do you really know who you are? What you want? Are you living true to yourself? All these things, to me, define who a “grown up” is; age is just a number, and I’m sure you’ve seen 50, 60, 70 year olds who are still children (and I don’t mean at heart).
What is this a prelude to? In the last 10 years I have done so many things to grow personally, emotionally, and spiritually, and everything I did took me to a higher level, but then I would stop moving forward. I would try other modalities and they would only get me so far which made me even more frustrated! What was wrong with me? It’s probably the wrong instructor for me, wrong process, I’m not consistent, and the list keeps going.
The one thing I kept ignoring was the advice to meditate, which came in a different message with each instructor: Sit with yourself; calm your mind; ask yourself; meditate…
The minute I heard something that required me to do it by myself, with myself, I stopped doing it and blamed the process. I kept running away from truly finding myself and what I want, and I have no idea why. In order to understand the why, I had to sit with myself!
It all boiled down to one question I wanted an answer to; what am I running away from? This is where I am today, realizing that I will always sabotage my efforts regardless of what they are, because I am scared of something I am unaware of, and I won’t be able to enjoy my success without addressing that.
I have an amazing husband, but sometimes choose to pick random fights that really are not worth it, why was I doing that? I have the best kids a mother could want, yet I keep looking at the unimportant faults and calling them on it, what’s going on? I reached my ideal weight and fitness level, studied nutrition and know what I need to feel good, but I gained all the weight and more in a year and undid all my hard work.
Doing things alone is scary, especially if your subconscious is trying to protect you. It would be easy to blame my life situation on circumstances and other people but growing up means owning the decisions you made that put you where you are today, and I am where I am today because of those choices I made.
Quietly, purposely, and with intention, today I am trying to find myself behind all those layers I built to hide my vulnerabilities. It’s not easy, and I’ve thought about quitting a lot, but I owe it to myself to at least understand myself and then have the power to decide what to do about it. In the end we hold the answers to everything, we just choose to play the helpless role because its easier.
Let’s grow out of a reactive life to a purposeful one where we decide what affects us and what doesn’t, let’s give ourselves the peace we derive in all this chaos.